Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
