Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
