I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
