this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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