My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I deserve this hangover.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
