i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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