i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
