hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
