security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
