I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
