If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
