I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
