If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
