I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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