I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
