I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
