My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
