My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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