I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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