So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
