Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
