So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
