thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
