At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
