If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
