It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
