I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's official drugs can't kill me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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