i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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