I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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