The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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