please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Sober January is a disaster.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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