You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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