If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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