i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
