can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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