my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
