1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend