So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
