so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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