My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
