8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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