I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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