I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
