bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
