Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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