After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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