i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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