my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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