Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
