sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
