planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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