You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
