the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
