Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
