I accidentally burped into my bong.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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