I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
