OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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