she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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