he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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